The "S" Word

So youth group last week…yet another sermon about that dreaded word. Singleness. No defensive walls erecting here. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the (single) guest speaker paired the topic with the most angering passage, 1 Corinthians 7, and there’s no author in the bible that can get under my skin like Paul. He was never married. What gave him the right to claim that singleness was the best way if he never experienced the alternative? Talk about bias! And then he gets the nerve to butt his lofty opinions into the heads of 21st century preachers who are even worse because they are fresh-out-of-seminary-newly-weds-with-a-child-on-the-way twenty-five year-olds who act like they’ve uncovered the secrets of the universe in marriage and look down on you with pity as if you can’t possibly understand holiness and God’s blessing until you’re married so they preach about singleness as a gift to make you feel better about your curse when the truth is you hate being single but can’t figure out how to find Mr./Mrs. Right and your demonstration of Christ and the Church is starting to look preety unattainable, but hey, at least you have a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to fall back on, right? And if you’re desperate, there’s always Christian Mingle.
*Rewind*

Ok. I’m exaggerating. I don’t really feel that way—at least that strongly. The topic didn’t stir such a snarky attitude in me, I have a tremendous amount of respect and liking for our guest speaker (and would prefer that he be single when preaching on singleness), as I do for Apostle Paul, and 1 Corinthians 7 is a necessary passage that needs to be approached with correct understanding and attitude. But I know I’m not the only one to be fed up with the way Christianity presents singleness today—there are plenty of people who react exactly like this to “exhortation” on singleness.

In my experience, there are two ends of the singleness spectrum that are presented in Christian society: 1) singleness is a curse (generally implied through a push for marriage) and 2) singleness is a gift (which generally implies that any desires to get married are not good and won’t be taken into consideration). Key words here are generally and implied, which may also be translated as Grace’s observations.
As I’ve observed, if you think singleness is a curse, you probably experience friends marrying all around you, seeing young families populating the church, and feel a nonverbal (or very verbal—think of meeting someone new at church, and the question that invariably comes after “What do you do,” is “Are you single?” pressure to find a Christian husband to provide for you, or a Christian wife to make a home for you, so you can have ten babies and raise them in the fear of God and home-learned arithmetic. But probably only if you go to a Baptist or Catholic church. There are other options, if you’re wary of the Amish-like lifestyle. Attend a grassroots, hipster church and you’ll likely marry a bearded, Capri-pants-wearing worship leader and have one boy and one girl, and raise them on non-GMO crops and goat milk. Which is still Amish-like.

If you’re a legalistic, Joshua Harris-hugging, purity ring-wearing Evangelical, you’ve probably had a sign from God (undoubtedly a Joshua Harris book) telling you to wait until He drops a spouse into your lap. You’re not looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, because singleness is a gift, and you would never chase the dating scene because it’s so secular and don’t these Christians know that waiting is the only way to honor God? So you wait. And wait. And wait. Truth is, you’re scared sh**less of marriage, scared of the feeling deep down that you want to be married, scared that can’t be married because Paul says it’s better to be single, and scared that if you do get married, your marriage will fall apart like all your friends who believed singleness was a curse and jumped the gun. That was me, anyway.

I know those fears, still can’t completely eradicate those fears years after putting I Kissed Dating Goodbye on the shelf. How do we reach the middle of the spectrum? How do we marry (no pun intended) godly desires to get married with the gift of singleness? How do we marry our decisions with our pastor’s teaching? Well, I don’t have a 5-Step-Fail-Proof Plan. My apologies if you thought that’s where this was leading. (If you’re truly disappointed, I’m sure there is no shortage of churches that you could attend which promote 5-Step Plans. They probably write them down on Post-It notes—5-Steps to Finding and Securing a Godly Husband! 5-Steps to Raising Perfect Children! 5-Steps to Being a Legalist!—as they drink Fair Trade coffee.)

But seriously. What’s a girl to do? The only fail-proof plan I know of is the Bible, and even that doesn’t feel very fail-proof because on one hand you have God saying it’s not good for man to be alone, and on the other hand, you have Paul wiffling and waffling. I mean, come on, can’t he be a little more black and white? The man who marries does well, and the man who doesn’t marry does even better? I’m gonna be honest, I hate that. I suppose the confusion in the churches comes from the apparent contradiction in the Bible.

But is it a contradiction? I’m not a seminary student; I’m still trying to dissect the passage without trying to decipher a 5-Step Fail-Proof Plan from the meaning. I think the first mistake churches make in teaching the 1 Cor. 7 text is isolating it from the context of the chapters around it, and the book as a whole. 1 Corinthians is a letter Paul addresses to the local church in Corinth, a first-century church struggling to maintain proper theology and faith in a wealthy, immoral city. It was written mid-50s A.D., addressing issues that divided the congregation, marriage (in all its aspects) being one of them.

Chapter 7 addresses this issue, but is prefaced by the church’s disorders, failure to be sexually pure the last one mentioned (hardly a surprise, as Corinth was notoriously immoral). “Therefore honor God with your body,” is the last sentence of chapter 6, which transitions smoothly into the section on marriage. My NIV translation says, “It is good for a man not to marry,” in verse one, with a footnote that says, “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” I don’t know why the NIV translated the entire chapter from sexual intercourse to the act of marriage. According to The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Paul meant marriage as a euphemism for sex. Perhaps when the congregation brought this issue forward, they presented it as marriage when they really wanted direction on sex. Still, marriage and sex can’t be divorced, and Paul seems to use the terms/concepts interchangeably.

One of many reoccurring things I see in this text is Paul’s reiteration of his words as advice, not a command (vv. 6, 12, 25). The only thing he says as a command from the Lord is in verse 10, a command not to divorce. At the end of his instruction on marriage, Paul writes, “I think that I too have the Spirit of God” (v.40). I think what he’s saying there is, my preference for singleness isn’t set in stone, but God has given me a spirit of discernment, and you should probably listen to me.

The first time I read this I thought his preference really pessimistic: “…those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” (v.2. But I think he’s being realistic. His preference for singleness is supported by two facts of life: 1) marriage will bring you trouble and 2) singleness allows undivided devotion to God.

I didn’t think about all the trouble marriage can get you in until recently, when I heard about the divorce of a Christian friend who had only been married two years. Since then, I’ve been plagued with the one command Paul does give from the Lord: “A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband” (v.10). There’s severe punishment for breaking a covenant marriage, not the least of which is the prospect of remaining single the rest of your life, regardless of how young you are. No wonder Paul thinks it’s better not to get married in the first place. “I want to spare you [trouble],” he says (v.2.

But to Paul whether or not you marry is not the issue. The issue is devotion to God. “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord… An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit” (7:32, 34). Conversely, a married man or woman is concerned about how s/he can please his/her spouse. Paul advocates singleness as a gift because it allows you to devote all your time and energy to God. Makes sense. If you don’t have a spouse to devote that time and energy to, where else can it go but God’s work?

I don’t think Paul means that there is no trouble in singleness, or no devotion to God in marriage. Single people have lots of trouble—trouble staying single. I don’t balk at Paul’s advice to stay single as much as the response I get from the world when I want to be single. Christian society is so fickle. You’re either too young to be in a relationship, too young to know about love, or too old to be single, too old to start a family. And don’t even get me started on the response to the person you choose. As for devotion to God in marriage, I can’t think of a better example than my parents. Throw nine kids into the equation and you’ve got yourself a Paul-worthy challenge.

I don’t think there’s a contradiction between God’s institution of marriage and Paul’s exhortation of singleness. Paul is right to be so serious about the holiness of marriage and sex. He advises marriage if you can’t keep yourself from sexual impurity. But he advises singleness if you can control yourself, so you can serve God to the best of your ability and keep his commands. If the marriage vows are a demonstration of God’s love for His church, then the command not to divorce and remarry is surely to demonstrate God’s faithfulness to an adulterous people.

And in my own life? I’m perfectly content being single. I have freedom to pursue the passions God has given me, to develop relationships, to travel. To do anything, really. I still have my fears about marriage. I still have fears about remaining single my whole life. But if I’m so consumed with finding Mr. Right, if I’m not finding joy in serving God, maybe I need to get my priorities—no, my heart—straightened out. The bottom line of 1 Corinthians 7 and my life comes down to living wholeheartedly for Jesus—whether dating, married, or single. That’s the middle of the spectrum.

What do you think? Where are you on the spectrum, and how can you be devoting yourself to God there?